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Me & My Shadow

A New Change is Coming to Town. Your Town, and Mine.

Little Girl Found


A New Change is Coming to Town. Your Town, and Mine.

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Heya.  I'm making, in honor of a few people I know.. who essentially have their heads up their proverbial posteriors, a mew playlist.  It's about popping the ego-bubble, as some mght say.  It's not meant to be essentially mean, or spiteful, or as any kind of snittiness.  Just a message.  It pertains to more than just one folk or another, so if you don't feel you've been this way, don't get paranoid by thinking I'm trying to say something directly to -YOU.-  If however, there's some doubt in your mind & you feel this piece might apply; go ahead- listen.  Maybe it'll make you think.  Or maybe it'll just make you so mad you won't be able to see straight.  If you feel this music applies, maybe someone is trying to tell you something.  Now instead of ranting and raving and raging all about, stop, think, and turn your mind's eye inward.  Then talk to me if you feel you've something important.  No matter what, this post is about how I feel, and about a revelation I've just had. 

My revelation:  ---I DESERVE TO BE HERE.--- 
My feeling, (as well as my decision), is that I deserve to be here, and I'm sick of dealing with, being nice to, and fostering "friendships" with people who don't agree w/me on that one, very important point.

Ya see, some of us have problems w/being extremely egocentric, self-involved, melodramatic and all-too self-centered. 

In a nutshell:  Either some folks think the world DOES revolve around them, or if it doesn't, it damned-well should.  And that's a problem.  It's a fucked up way to think/feel/act, and wittingly or unwittingly the people who perpetrate this behavior are just hurting others.  "Friends" and otherwise.  Just because you think you're the shit, it doesn't mean you are.  And even if you are- you can't go running around treating people like ragdolls, servants or your own special walkabout-audience/sympathy crew.  For the first and most part, it's not right.  People are worth more time and attention than that- let alone respect, and that's not okay to discard peoples' feelings and personhood that way.  Secondly, you can't actually be like that and genuinely expect to keep friends.  Simple as that.  People will get the idea sooner or later that their just there to be a part of YOUR scenery, and will walk away.  It may be easy, it may be hard, it may take time or be as quick as a wink.  But it WILL happen eventually. 

All this may seem harsh, but I've got a lot of shit riding hard down on my shoulders lately, and I've got to get back on MY feet before I can handle anyone else's BS.  Now, if you're in actual trouble or are truly in genuine need, I'm not gonna turn you away.  If your grandma dies or if your house burns down, come to me.  I'm NOT saying I don't want anything to do with -everybody- anymore.  I'm not hiding in a little cubbyhole, and I don't want to cut myself off from the rest of the world.  What I am saying is that I can't keep burning myself out by spending the derth of my time worrying about and stressing over BS DRAMA.  I hate hurting peoples' feelings, alienating others, or even having people think badly about me or finding out someone I care for even has a negative opinion of me.  But always stressing about how others feel, how I'm going to hurt other people by what I say/do/feel, and worrying about walking on eggshells around other people who can't seem to extend to me even a fraction of the same courtesy to me is literally driving me nuts, and donig nothing for me and my time but wasting it while what's TRULY IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE goes down the tubes.  If you can't show others sympathy, don't expect any from me.  If you can't STAND to have a conversation NOT center constantly on you, I'm not gonna talk to you anymore.  If you can't give out the same kind of courtesy, reverance and respect I aim to and pride myself on giving to others in my circle of friends, don't expect to be a part of that circle.  I bend myself backwards and break myself for the people I care about.  I don't -expect- people to be constantly fawning all over me.  (Even though I'll admit at times I think it would feel nice.)  I can't and I won't.  Because it's not healthy for me, OR the other people I'd expect that from.  Get the gist here, people???  Treating yourself like the end-all-be-all gets you nowhere- because you're stifling your own personal growth, as well as  the personal growth of others.  You may not care, or hell- even see it that way- but I do, and that's what's important.  I gotta run my life how I best see fit- because in the end I only have 2 people to answer to; God, and ME...

I'm tired of worrying about everybody else and "being the nice one" when I'm getting stepped all over and ignored.  I'm tired of being the cold hard bitch, the embittered, "spiteful" one when I'm only trying to the RIGHT thing and PROTECT myself from being stepped all over yet AGAIN.  It's happened REPEATEDLY in the last few years, and dammit, it has GOT to STOP..!  I don't like myself much anymore, the angry-all-the-time, dour, bitter, regretful and vengeful person I see me and my heart turning into.  So before it happens any further, or possibly permanently, I've got to STOP what's causing it, and heal all the freaking damage from it that I humanly can.  (Which is all of it, IMHO.) 

I know, I know:  You've got problems and worries in your life.  Yes, that's true.  Well so do the rest of us.  But constantly expecting time, care, attention and grace to be shown you when you, for one reason or another, cannot or will not do the same on anywhere NEAR a regular basis in turn is BS.  It doesn't matter whether it's intentional or no.  Whether you lack the capability, time, desire, or state of mind to do so is irregardless.  You make the time, you have the desire, or your create the capability.  If not at the moment of crisis/time of need, you say "geez, I just can't handle this right now," but then later, when can, you DO something about it, instead of waiting for the next time you call on THEM again.
 If those you call "friends" give whatever time, care, attention and love they can for you when you need it, if you care about them and/or your friendship, you are obligated to do the same for them.  Reciprocating care (or at least trying to) IS, (societally and emotionally speaking), expected, if there's any sort of relationship there that's trying to be fostered or maintained. 

No, no one's taking counts and measures, writing balance sheets or keeping score of debts.  But it SHOWS UP and MAKES A DIFFEENCE sooner or later.  People CARE whether or not those they've let close to them actually care about them, too.  It's just how emotional bonds work, frankly.  And treating people who give and give to you isn't gonna cut it.  If you're THAT far gone, or THAT Machiavellian, you should know that you've got to at least ACT like you care about the people around you.  Somehow PRETEND that you give a damn about the people you call "friends."  If you can't do it for the sake of being right, good, or for your own and others' sakes (let alone everyone's personal & general growth), think of it this way:  If you can't give more than an ounce for the people you profess to care about, you give your cover away, and people will discover the true motivations and callousness underneath.  ..They'll know you for what you are- someone who couldn't give two shits. 

No matter what, you can't expect others to keep giving out when you don't give ANY.  Or, in some cases, when you give just a hair because you've  been forced/badgered/put on the spot to do so.   -And even that on occassion.  Being nice to people you call "friend" is something you should WANT to do.  Not something you should HAVE to do, or be forced/pled/badgered or coerced into. 
If you're friends there should be an exchange of love, care, time, attention, emotion, etc.  That's the key word here.  EXCHANGE.  If there is none, there is no friendship..  Period.  (Not in the true and/or real sense, anyway.  But if you can't be bothered to tell the difference between the two in the first place, I guess ya can't have a real friendship to start with, and I have nothing more to say to you.)

I'm tired of looking for friendships from people who just want servants- in one way or another.  I'm tired of cow-towing, bowing to and saying "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" to people who couldn't care less about my own thoughts, opinions, feelings, ideas, etc.  I'm sick of having people treat me like they couldn't truly care less if I was there, (let alone existed) or not.  I'm sick of feeling like by breathing, by just existing, that I'm somehow doing someone, somewhere, some kind of harm or another. I'm tired of feeling like I put everything out there for everyone else to see, (to make people happy, to see people smile, to make folks laugh, to please the people around me in various ways and make things/life fun) while simultaneously I'm being made to feel like I'm just taking up other peoples' precious time, wasting their space, etc.  I'm sick of feeling like people are just -tolerating my existence/presence until someone or something better comes along.  I'm sick of being treated like, (and being made to feel like) the only service I could do some people would be to shut the fuck up, pack up all my shit, and go the fuck away.  Like my very existence is some kind of pain, hardship, or a bother to them. 

Gee.. well sorry for trying to be your friend, and trying to make you smile or make our lives a little brighter/more fun.  I'll remember that in future- carry it around for  "next time."

Dammit, in my true heart-of-hearts I know that I'm worth more than that..!  I exist to do more than serve to fill a nameless, shapeless "friend" slot that could easily by filled by anyone else, just because some person wants a yes-man, a personal audience, or a pocket-pity crowd.  I'm tired of feeling like a burden, when all I do is burden myself.  About the big shit, about the little shit.  About the things that happen at home as well as things that go on far, far away from me.  I'm tired of worrying myself sick and altering everything I do to appease the cares, worries, problems, lives and troubles of everyone else around me. 

So I'm not doing it anymore.  I'm not being the hard bitch, the worrier, the whiner, the yes-man, the slot-filler, personal audience, pocket-pity-crew, servant or slave to others ANYMORE.  If I speak to you, deal with you, call you or visit you, know that it's because I love you, not because of any trifling obligations I may feel, or because I'm too worried about you, "people," or what others might think by my not doing, or doing any one or group of things or another.  I refuse to live life by others' expecations of me anymore.  I'm not living life by anyone's expectations other than MINE, now.  Take it or leave it.  Frankl I'd rather the ones I know and love take it.  But if they feel they have to or want to leave it, that's okay too.  I'm living my life by myown ideals at last.  I can only expect the same from them, and hope that they're happy with theirs. 

For once in my life, I'm hoping to be happy with mine.
  • i'm sorry things are going so rough for you right now. i'm also not entirely sure where you are at this exact moment in time, but i would love love love it if you would call me. i tried your cell, but it said the number was out of service...

    and who, might i ask, the bloody fuck moved in with will? i tried to call him tonight and had some bitch ass punk fucking hang up on me three times. once right as the phone picked up, so i called back... again to ask for will, at which point it was demanded that i say who i was and where the hell i was calling from, and then again because i was dumb enough to try a third time to talk to either you or my brother. gods forbid, right?

    uugh. people are so fucking dumb. i think it's time you and i got togheter and smacked some heads together for the sake of humanity.

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